같이 술을 먹던 친구는 한자락의 의심도 없이 그렇게 맞장구를 쳤다.
유진 : 그래두 제일 중요한 건 이거 이거 이거인것 같아. 그래서 이렇게 해야 하는 것 같아.
친구 : 그렇지. 그건 harbor니까.
재밌었던 건 그가 나같은 사이비가 아닌 진짜 워커홀릭이었다는 점이다.
그런 그마저도 harbor에 수긍한다.
harbor라...harbor.
어딜까, 무엇일까, 해서 무엇을 해야 할까
내내 떠나지 않는 키워드로 각종 응용 쿼리를 던져대며 주말의 한켠을 그렇게 보냈다.
내 인생의 여러 꼭지점들을 다시 찍어보면서, 이게 삼각형인가 오각형인가 무한육면체인가 골똘히 들여다 보면서
처음엔 왜 나의 항구엔 사람이 없는가,
왜 사람대신 음악과 커서가 깜박이는 빈입력창만 있는가 그런 생각을 했었다.
그런데 사람이 없는 것도 아니더라.
인간에겐 최전선과 항구가 둘 다 필요한 것 같다.
결국 돌아갈 곳이란 것도 상대적인 개념이 아닌가한다.
하루에도 여러 번 포지션이 바뀌는.
하지만 어느쪽이든 잠시 머물렀다 가는 것이다.
그물에 몇 마리의 포획물을 실어가든
나쁜 날씨 혹은 그저 루틴한 하루의 마무리로
모든 것을 잊고 항구로 후퇴할 때
거기엔 따뜻한 물이 흘렀으면 좋겠다.
보기 좋으라고 꽃도 좀 심어져 있었으면 좋겠고.
아무도 안 보아줄 팬지라도 좋고요.
틈틈히 시시때때로 만전을 기하지 않으면 가능하지 않은 행복.
돌봐야지.
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나의 베이스캠프는 늘 남편과 진아이지. 좋은 것만은 아니지만 목숨과도 바꿀 수 있는, 내 존재의 의미이자 힘이 되는 관계들이다. 여러가지 요즘 변동수가 많아서 불안하고 초조했는데, 까짓 살아보는거지 머. 그렇게 다잡고 다가올 미래가 내게 어떤 공을 쳐 올지 흥미진진 기달리는 중이란다.
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